Insecurity

I wish I had the words 
to tell you how I feel. 
It's strange, 
but I don't really know 
how I feel 
myself. 

I have feelings going around my head. 
Feelings and thoughts all circling 
around and around. 
I need to sort them out - 
the scared from the brave. 
The grieving from the cheerful 
and the hurting from the loved. 

It's hard, you know. 
I have all this stuff in my head. 
It just sits there 
waiting for me to deal with it, 
but I never do. 
When I think, it all jumps forward 
but it's just a jumble. 

If I sit for too long 
I cry. 
And crying makes me feel vulnerable 
and scared. 
And lonely. 
So I just don't think. 
People tell me I look thoughtful 
and 
I nod 
but only because 
I can't tell them how I really feel. 

I can't tell them I'm hurting. 
I can't tell them I'm scared 
and most of all 
I can't tell them 
I feel so alone. 

I feel as though I'm all by myself 
in this big, wide world. 
I feel as though I'm drowning 
in a sea so deep 
that if I began swimming 
I could never reach the shore. 

I feel as though I'm falling 
down a hole 
that has no end. 

When people speak to me 
I hear the words they say 
but I never really listen 
and cannot take it in. 

I feel empty - 
like I have nothing else to give, 
but also 
like I had nothing there to give 
in the first place.