Good Friday (22/4/11)

I'm meditating on the cross.

The cross 

Which was lifted high,

With my Saviour nailed to it.

Nails which pierced His body,

His hands and His feet,

His skin and bone, 

The fragility of His human form.

He hung there

Dying

For me.

He bled.

He tore.

He suffered excruciating pain

and He died

for me. 

My words could never explain 

why He loves me so much.

If I had been the only person 

In this world

He would still have died

For me. 

Just for me.

His pain

for me.

My words could never explain

How much that means.

Thank you 

and

I love you

will never be enough.

But it's all He wants.

Insecurity

I wish I had the words 
to tell you how I feel. 
It's strange, 
but I don't really know 
how I feel 
myself. 

I have feelings going around my head. 
Feelings and thoughts all circling 
around and around. 
I need to sort them out - 
the scared from the brave. 
The grieving from the cheerful 
and the hurting from the loved. 

It's hard, you know. 
I have all this stuff in my head. 
It just sits there 
waiting for me to deal with it, 
but I never do. 
When I think, it all jumps forward 
but it's just a jumble. 

If I sit for too long 
I cry. 
And crying makes me feel vulnerable 
and scared. 
And lonely. 
So I just don't think. 
People tell me I look thoughtful 
and 
I nod 
but only because 
I can't tell them how I really feel. 

I can't tell them I'm hurting. 
I can't tell them I'm scared 
and most of all 
I can't tell them 
I feel so alone. 

I feel as though I'm all by myself 
in this big, wide world. 
I feel as though I'm drowning 
in a sea so deep 
that if I began swimming 
I could never reach the shore. 

I feel as though I'm falling 
down a hole 
that has no end. 

When people speak to me 
I hear the words they say 
but I never really listen 
and cannot take it in. 

I feel empty - 
like I have nothing else to give, 
but also 
like I had nothing there to give 
in the first place.

Catch up

So, I'm gradually putting all my poetry down on something other than scraps of paper. Many of the poems I have written were from a decade ago or more. Many were written whilst mourning my mum, who died when I was 19. Many were written for my husband and many about my son. Some were just for me. I am a daughter, a sister, a wife and a mum - both by birth and adoption. I am a human slave serving my cats. I am friend and I am a nurse. But most of all I'm just me - so lost, but so forgiven. These posts are my words, some you may love and some you may hate. My only hope is to make you smile a little from time to time and hope that you can see the truth, the pain and the love behind my words. xx

I've been there too!

"You don't understand!" -
I don't mind you saying it,
but the thing that hurts most
is the fact that I do understand -
more than most.

You only see a nurse
but I am a person
and I have lost a parent too.
I know the hurt,
the anger and the pain.

You come and visit,
hoping that she will be well,
trying to will her better -
but she is dying
and you can't stop that
and it hurts.

You feel angry -
she isn't the person you used to love,
she has changed
but you love her still and always will.

You're scared that she won't be there
when you need her.
You're scared because she is leaving
and never coming back.

So,
you see,
I'm not just a nurse
in a uniform.
I am a child
who lost her mother too
and
I do understand

Happy Birthday. (Sept 2003)

 Happy Birthday

Jamie is one year old today.
One whole year old.
He is so different now
from this time last year.
He says
HIYA
MUM
and
DAD.
He's toddling too -
causing chaos
wherever he goes.
So much to see and do!
He is so nosy -
just like me!
What a difference
a year can make.
He is a proper little boy now -
not a baby anymore

Motherhood. September 2002

I miss you -
possibly more than ever,
for I am a mother too now
and I want you to be here.

I wish you could see
your beautiful grandson -
so tiny and fragile
so helpless
yet so perfect
in every way.

The love I feel is
overwhelming -
just like my grief
for you.

I thought that I was done with crying
but now
I realise
there is so much more
that you can never tell me.
So much
that I can never ask.

But, for now, I go.
I need to go to him.
I must tend to him
because he is here,
needing me.
Just as I once needed you.

When words fail...

I cannot explain what I feel for you
or the joy that I feel when I talk to you.
All I know, is that when I see you
my heart reaches out to enfold you.

Words cannot explain what I feel for you
or how my soul leaps when I touch you.
All I know, is that when I leave you
my heart cries out to return.

I cannot explain what I feel for you
or how much I need to be near to you.
All I know, is when I am far from you
my mind thinks only of you.

Words cannot explain what I feel for you
or the happiness I have known since I met you. 

All I know, is today I live for you,
tomorrow I give my life to you.

I cannot explain
but
if I said I loved you
would you know how I feel?

A Pantomime...

I sit here and watch
as we act out our parts -
we laugh and we joke,
we sing and we dance.
So many different characters,
so many different lives -
so many different stories.

The girl who is laughing hides such sorrow -
the tears and the pain -
her brothers, two, are in the cast,
but they act out a different part.

The guy whose life seems so perfect -
the looks and the grades -
his brother is in the cast,
but he acts out a different part.

The girl who has grown, but is still so young -
her life, the way she lives.
Her brother, too, is in the cast,
but he acts out a different part.

However despite all the acting,
the lives and the rhymes,
the activity and the life,
something is missing.
The normal has changed and something seems wrong.

We feel that she should be here,
a part of our play.
Showing us dances and singing us songs,
but now
someone else stands in her place.

She played her part - she read her lines
and then
a finale
that took her all.

We'll remember her this year.
And we'll remember her friends
who are in the cast,
and we'll watch them
act out
their different parts.

Broken

You broke my heart.

You did.

It's lying here blown apart
by the force
you threw my love away with.
By the way
you threw it back in my face.

It was you
who shot that hurt
straight through me
and now my heart
lies open -
a gaping, wounded chasm.

You don't even know it. 

Ha,
you have no idea
just how much you hurt me.
You made me so happy
then threw it all back in my face
and I came crashing to the ground,
falling all the way
and landed hard.

Now my heart lies open,
bleeding and wounded,
because of you.

It will take time,
but
someday
the hurt will heal.

I'll never
see you the same
as I used to
but
I will feel better
because time does heal.
And
although
my heart has been broken,
it will carry on
beating.

Death

Death is definite -
it comes to us all,
we just don't know where or how
or when.

Sometimes it can be expected -
if a person is ill, that somehow makes it easier.
You have time to prepare
and to get yourself ready.
Sometimes it just happens - out of the blue -
and never expected.
That makes it hard, it tears you apart,
because it was too soon
and too sudden.
It leaves you empty
because you weren't there.

It leaves you frightened for those who are left.
It leaves you hurting
because she was a part of you
and she will never be there.
She is gone and cannot return.
You can't believe she is gone -
it seems strange to think
of her
not being there.
You cry
when you think of her life -
which was lost -
then you cry harder
and cannot stop.

Death is definite -
it comes to us all,
but some of us will continue living,
and others will die.

Once they are gone -
we can do nothing.
Their lives are over,
but while they are living
they can be given new life
so that only when they die
will they really begin to live.

Defeat (August 24th 1995)

 DEFEAT (August 24th, 1995)

It seems so strange to think she's gone.
I still remember
the days we laughed,
the days we laughed and
the days we cried.
There's just me left to cry now.

All the times we fought,
stood together fighting for the same,
that great prize.
So many rounds we won -
so much we overcame.
Others too joined in the fight
but it wasn't enough.
Although only one has gone,
it feels like we all have lost.
I don't understand it
and I feel confused.
I try not to think too much
because then I can't hurt.
I always believed
that life would last forever -
then it got taken away.
I think of all the little things -
things that she'll never know
and that's when I hurt.

The hurt will heal -
as all wounds do,
in time.
So I will continue the fight -
fighting in that one great battle
so that victory may be mine.